I remember a woman I worked with years ago who drove me crazy. She came to meetings and dominated them with her constant talking. She joked around when she should have been serious.

I made her my number one topic, determined to get her to change these annoying behaviors by talking about her to others.

Then something happened . While I  focused on her flaws, she started adding value to coworkers and leaders by providing good work. People began to respect her and the contributions she was making.

Meanwhile, I continued my obsession. I am sure I looked like the crazy lady on the street corner with uncombed hair, a big coat and flailing arms, ranting about my coworker while others just tried to get their job done.

After a few friends shared their concern about my obsession, I stepped back and took a more objective look at the situation.  During that time of reflection, I realized why my co-worker drove me crazy. She dominated by talking . . . just like me. She joked around too much . . . just like me. The things that drove me craziest about her where the things that I didn’t really like much about myself.

Author and behaviorist Martha Beck says the following:

Everyone makes comments about other people from time to time, but those who focus on one topic continually, irrationally, and inexplicably are often describing themselves. When someone seems unduly preoccupied with a certain flaw in others, it’s time to do a once-over to see if it’s taken root in Mr. or Ms. Obsessed. 

And the Mirror Replies . . .

If you have become fixated on someone else’s flaws, remember this:

• The very person you’re obsessed with is not obsessed with you
• Each time you rant about this person you scare others a little bit more
• This might be a lot more about you than them

Each time something in a coworker or leader or family member makes you a little crazy, take a look in the mirror. Bravely ask that mirror . . .

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

Who’s the most obsessed of all?

The answer might just be, “YOU.”

Once I identified my issues with this coworker, I focused on changing those behaviors in myself. Amazingly, when I became happier with myself, I was no longer frustrated by her.

And changing me was a lot easier than trying to change her.

Have you heard about the customer service technique of pretending that  every customer you serve is your grandmother? It’s a technique built upon the assumption that you like your grandmother, and it teaches employees to treat customers as human beings with needs rather than walking annoyances that keep interrupting their lives.

I would like to suggest that we implement the same approach with internal colleagues. I never cease to be amazed at how kind people can be to individuals outside the organization but so cruel to their fellow employees.

I remember one job I had in my twenties. Our training group was being introduce to our new manager who was a new brainiac from Chicago.  He started out by asking me to make a pot of coffee before even introducing himself.  I proceeded to go to my office feeling humiliated and a little murderous. He didn’t get his coffee.

On his first day, he gathered all of his minions in a room to inform us, in case we didn’t see the resumes stacked on his desk, of how highly educated and brilliant he was. The fact that he stood and promoted himself with his zipper down and shirt-tail sticking out was the only thing that saved us from walking out the door en masse. The humor was totally worth the pain.

Six months later, the brilliant savior was escorted out by Human Resources. He might have been brilliant, but he had no people skills. He should have unzipped our hearts rather than his pants.

When leading others, remember the following:

1. To get to the brain you must first travel through the heart. People process first through emotion. How many times have people said, “Rationally, I know why this is the right thing to do. But there’s something in me that is keeping me from getting on board.” That something is the heart. It grabs on to change first and lets go last.
2. Every heart has been wounded and seeks to protect itself. Human nature is human nature, even if it’s in a suit. Don’t be fooled by professional environments and board rooms. Sitting around the table is the kid in sixth grade who as bullied on the playground, the new kid who ate lunch by herself for a year, or the high school girl whose heart was broken beyond repair. The only way you’ll get them to follow you is to touch the heart that has been wounded in the past.
3. Real stories of real experience break down defenses.  Nothing says “I’m human and we’re in this together” faster than a story. If you’re new to the job, talk about the time you stumbled during a presentation. Humanize yourself. My “leader” did it unintentionally with the zipper incident. However, when he realized it was down he told us it was a psychological test to make sure we were paying attention. Flush. Ruined his opportunity.

People are not widgets. They have families, and dreams, and hopes, and wounds. You don’t have to coddle them, but you do have to acknowledge the heart. If you don’t, you might find yourself being escorted out the door without coffee and with your zipper down.

I’m sitting at my computer on a beautiful day, when the Beatles/Badfinger song “Come and Get It” comes on. I knock over my water and my yogurt in a frantic effort to skip the song on my Pandora station. I immediately feel nauseated and think that I might not hold down the yogurt I have eaten.

Why in the world would I have a reaction like this to a song from the seventies?

Because that song played on my alarm clock every morning when I was in junior high school. We had just moved from Southern to Northern California, and I had left behind a school full of friendly faces. My new school was in a very wealthy area, and my hand-me-down, Southern California clothes didn’t make the cut.

I walked down the hallway on my first day accompanied by my mother. I had on a pair of white Levis with tulips all over them that were a little too short for me. They were a big hit in my old school, and there my friends overlooked the length because none of us had much money.

On this day, in this school, I heard kids laughing at me. One beautiful young girl walked by in her designer jeans and said, loudly, “nice pants.” Everybody laughed.

My heart sank, and while I laughed with them, I wanted to get in the car and run back to my old school.

That first year was incredibly difficult. Our new church didn’t have a parsonage, so we had to rent a small house from a member of the church that was miles from the school. My mom would drive us to school, and those thirty minutes would be my last moments of happiness until the bell rang at 3:00 p.m.

Because that song was a huge hit, it would play in the car on the way to school. It makes me remember how I felt when we’d pull up to the front of the school. My stomach would churn and my legs would resist getting out. I remember the lonely lunch period where I would try to find a place to sit that was inconspicuous. Until I met my support system of friends, each day lasted a lifetime.

The next year something miraculous happened. My acne cleared up, I got a babysitting job and bought new clothes, and my braces came off. Suddenly, I was cool enough to be in school. But the pain of that first year never left me.

Why should we be kind rather than cool?

• Our behavior comes back to us.
• Those who might not be part of the “in-group” could be your smartest players.
• Isolating others destroys your team.

Pay attention to your own behavior. Is there anybody you’re not having lunch with because they don’t seem to fit in with others? If so, call them up for lunch. They might have fascinating ideas that could add tremendous value.

The pain of being mocked or isolated never goes away. I think the memories have left until “Come and Get It” comes on my Pandora, and my 51-year-old hand frantically searches for the mouse so I can forward past it, and my stomach churns all over again. Today, be kind – not cool.

It’s a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one’s life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than ‘Try to be a little kinder.’ — Aldous Huxley

I have neighbors who lost their male Boxer a couple of years ago. They missed him so much they decided to search for another.

They found one puppy in the paper, but the seller backed out when someone made a better monetary offer.

 A couple of weeks later Bobby saw another ad for Boxer puppies in the paper. Barbara, his wife, was staying with his daughter for the week, but he didn’t want to miss the opportunity.  He quickly called the number listed, and they stated they had one male left in the litter but a woman had already called to claim him, although she couldn’t pick him until the next day.

 “How much was her offer?” Bobby asked. They told him she had offered $350.00.

“I’ll give you $400.00 if you’ll hold the puppy for me,” he said, determined. They told him to wait until they called the woman to inform her.

 He gave them his cell number and jumped in the car. Within a few minutes, his phone rang.

 “She’s offering $450.00,” they said.

“I’ll give you $500.00 and I’m on the way,” Bobby replied. He simply could not face another heartbreak.

 This went on until the offer was $600.00 and both buyers were on the way.

 He pulled into the driveway ready to battle until he walked away with the puppy. That’s when he saw the other bidder, his nemesis, pull up in the driveway. Oddly, the car looked exactly like his wife’s red Jeep.

Then he saw Barbara’s  face, and both of their mouths dropped open. Our neighbors had been bidding against each other for the same puppy. They had driven the prices from $300.0 to $600.00.

 Moral: If you’re fighting to reach the same goals– don’t work against each other.

I watch leaders do this in business every day. Even though they’re working for the same profitability goal, they fight each other. They try to build up their empire at the expense of another area. They take a direction that is wrong for the company to show power over another leader.

 If  leaders would join forces and always make decisions based upon what will move the company forward fastest, a lot of time and money would be saved.

As I was riding bikes with my sister and cousin in San Antonio Texas many years ago, a car began to follow me. My sister and cousin were up ahead on the left, and I was lagging behind on the right side of the street, no doubt day-dreaming.

That’s when I noticed headlights behind me, and I moved over so they could pass me. But as I moved over, so did they. My cousin, Richard, now noticed what was going on. He saw the car picking up speed, and that’s when he yelled, “Jump!”

I jumped off my bicycle in an instant and began to run. The car actually hit the bike I left behind, and the man in the big blue car stepped out and reached for me as I ran past him, but I smacked at his hand and kept going.

My cousin’s message was clear and my reaction was immediate. We found out from the police that this blue car had been seen in a variety of attempted kidnappings in the area.

In times of change leaders often fail to provide clear, concise, quick communication. We turn what should be simple instructions into complex messages that have too much input and are delivered too late.

In the world of business, my cousin would have waited until the guy had me in the car and then yelled, as our taillights disappeared around the corner:

“Donna, you might want to consider taking an action such as jumping off of your bike, because it appears the man in the blue car is going to hit your bike, although that is just my opinion. If you jump, however, it will dovetails nicely with your I’m old enough to ride my bike by myself initiative because it will show that you are capable of taking care of yourself. Based upon these two key assumptions, JUMP!”

Think about your messages during times of change. Is there a call that can be made quickly and easily? Maybe it’s:

• Stop using that form
• Call the customer now
• Bring John in and let’s have a meeting immediately

Sometimes messages need to be immediate to provide quick hits and solutions. Simplify during times of change and show a willingness to make a quick decision. Sometimes you just need to jump!

I’ve spent several days staring at trees since the hurricane, which I believe has caused great concern for my neighbors. In particular, I’ve been observing the trees that have been left exposed in our acreage due to missing oaks.

Here’s what I’ve noticed – trees that are planted closely together grow opposite directions so that they can each reach the sun without growing into each other. A tree on the right will have most of its foliage on the right side, while the tree on the left will have most of its branches and foliage on the left side. The trees both thrive, adjusting to each other so both can get the sun they need.

While this observation is not exactly Einstein-worthy, here’s how I apply it to people. I watch real people, in real organizations, fighting for attention. Like those trees, they are reaching out to receive the warmth of recognition for a job well done.

Unfortunately, we don’t tend to make room for each other. Instead, we fight for exactly the same ground, reaching up towards the “sun” in the same direction. We often aren’t satisfied receiving just part of the light . . . we want it all.

Eventually, we can only get the attention we want if we attempt to destroy the other person or concept.

Due to this destructive behavior, corporations fail to become a forest of ideas and innovation. Instead, they become barren plots of land, with small ideas that never reach their full potential. People become exhausted, because, like trees, we need each other.

Sharing the light gives us all energy. Helping others, research shows, actually makes us happier. Therefore, I can only assume that tearing each other down makes us less happy. It certainly causes greater loneliness.

Next time you’re battling for position in a meeting, let somebody else have a little bit of the light. If they reach for recognition, branch off into another topic or area and allow them the space.

We can all exist together if we will simply make room. There’s plenty of light and recognition for each of us. Believe it or not, if you adjust for somebody, they will adjust for you. Most of the time. And, if they don’t, then the company has a culture that rewards the wrong things and you might want to find a better environment anyway.

“Doctors save lives, but they can sometimes be insufferable know-it-alls who bully nurses and do not listen to patients. Medical schools have traditionally done little to screen out such flawed applicants or to train them to behave better, but that is changing.”

Thus begins an article in The New York Times that addresses what I espouse in my new book, “Real People, Real Change.” Have you ever known somebody who really knows her stuff but can’t seem to build healthy internal relationships?

I remember, years ago, working with a company that had a person on the executive team who had horrible social skills. While he was an expert in his financial field, he also demeaned those who worked for him, provided sarcastic responses to colleague questions, and berated anyone who got in his way. This is the guy you tried not to make eye contact with in the cafeteria, lest he scream at you about something.

The CEO took more than two years to move him out because of his “expertise.” What he didn’t take into account was the cost to the rest of the team. This leader killed other initiatives with his unwillingness to help others succeed. He killed productivity because people spent months trying to avoid interacting with him on key decisions. Ultimately, he cost the company a lot more than he brought to the table.

At Virginia Tech Carilion School of Medicine, administrators have decided to use more than the typical grades and test scores to determine who is accepted to their medical programs. Now applicants will have nine brief interviews that force candidates to exhibit their social skills and ability to communicate effectively .

According to the New York Times article, candidates stand with their backs to the doors of 26 small rooms. When a bell sounds, the applicants spin around a read a sheet of paper that describes an ethical conundrum. The candidates are given eight minutes to discuss that rooms situation, and then move on to the next room. The intent is to see how well an applicant thinks on his/her feet and how well they can work in teams. Candidates who exhibit poor listening skills or are over-opinionated score poorly.

I spend a lot of time with leaders who are considering hiring someone with amazing knowledge but little relationship skill. I encourage them to find someone with both. If you have inherited somebody who is socially challenged, ask yourself:

• Does he/she make your team better or worse?
• Do colleagues trust him or her?
• Does his/her team produce out of fear or commtiment?
• Does he/she retain people or lose them?

Expertise is no longer enough. If a leader can’t deal with real people, then they will not effectively drive real change.

One goofy sailor, an annoying skipper, and a few characters go for a three-hour tour on a ship called the S.S. Minnow. That three-hour tour lasted three seasons.

 Why in the world would a show like Gilligan’s Island stay on the air for more than three shows? Let’s face it, Gilligan was annoying, the Skipper was a little nauseating, and Ginger was more like a hooker than a movie star.

 The scripts were awful, and  I’ve never seen so many amazing things made from bamboo and coconuts.  Yet I watched every single episode. Granted, I was eight years-old, but there was something appealing about that show.

After this week, I think I’ve figure it out. I moved my office this week, which resulted in three days of physical labor and very little intentional thought. My brain took a three-day tour, and found itself on a quiet island with a single focus.

I stopped thinking about my next presentation or meeting. I stopped worrying about what people think of my work. Most importantly, I had very little emotional conflict, minus the Comcast man.  

Like Gilligan, I had one goal – he wanted to get off the island, and I wanted to get my office moved. I didn’t make coconut phones, but I did pack boxes and hang pictures. I might not have been on a tropical island, but I spent time in the sun as I transferred boxes from my car to the great indoors.

I wasn’t surrounded by palm trees but I did spend time in the garden section of Lowes surrounded by greenery as I looked for  indoor plants.

My computer and phones were disconnected, and my brain went on a three-day tour. I threw out old files, which provided a clean work slate. I sold unnecessary furniture which unburdened my soul. I made money on Craig’s List, which paid for a daily Arbys lunch. The result is the mental equivalent of a physical spa retreat. My brain is rested and refreshed.

I strongly recommend it. Find your mental tropical island and hop on the S.S. Mental Minnow. Even if it’s only for 24 hours, disconnect from everything requiring mental energy and go lift some boxes.

You’ll return to work a better person.

There are times that I battle with my ego and lose. Sometimes I crave the spotlight, but when that occurs I remember what happened when the spotlight became my addiction.

I was working as a sales consultant with a bank. My commitment was to save a fledgling sales program that had cost a lot of money but was failing.

The bank needed me to turn the sales program around to help the leaders that had been working so hard to make it succeed.

I had a purpose that involved helping others, and for months I worked tirelessly with similarly motivated leaders. My energy seemed to be boundless, and I looked forward to waking up every morning.

 As the program started to finally move forward, my star began to shine a little more brightly. I received accolades from the CEO, and literal applause from line leaders. I was in the spotlight.

That spotlight was like crack. Suddenly my goal shifted from helping others to keeping the spotlight on me. I began to notice how others were trying to infringe on “my turf,” and I fought my way into every project. When someone else received recognition, I stopped being as happy for them. They were being handed my drug, and I needed a fix.

During this time, I lost my energy and became easily irritated. My modus operand went from “How can I help you?” to “How are you helping me?”

I quickly learned that standing in the spotlight day-in and day-out burns you out. The light begins to reveal flaws, and your willingness to share the warmth lessens.

I was miserable and paranoid and very quick to anger. I found fights where there were none.

Finally, I let go of the addiction. I found another noble purpose and left the spotlight. I found my energy again, and sweated a lot less. When my focus became helping others, I felt better about myself.

Spotlights are nice for brief periods, but don’t stand in them too long. Share them, and your energy will increase.

Since the death of Osama Bin Laden, I’ve been thinking about the power of terrorism.  Using weapons of violence to intimidate others, a terrorist interrupts our daily lives with an infusion of absolute fear.

I’ll never forget when snipers visited my corner of Virginia. A sniper attack occurred just 10 miles from my home, and we were told to avoid stores surrounded by wooded areas. When my kids and I went to Kroger, we ran in zigzags across the parking lot. The kids thought we were having fun, but I knew we were becoming a more difficult target.

While terrorism is extreme, I deal with a lot of people who use intimidation tactics in the workplace. They are emotional bullies who sit in meetings waiting to attack the presenter.

Their surprise sarcasm and personal attacks put people off their game. People who would normally provide powerful presentations spend all of their time making sure there’s not one mistake. They zigzag through their presentations, hoping to avoid the inevitable, verbal snipe.  

Here’s the most important thing to remember about an emotional bully:  They are the most frightened  person in the room.

They are afraid that they will not get as much attention from their boss. They are afraid that someone will be better than they and try to replace them. They are afraid of vulnerability.

How do you handle an emotional intimidator? Don’t let them change the way you do business. Do the right things, for the right reasons. When they call you out in a meeting, take them back to the facts. Remind them that finding mistakes is less important than moving action forward.

Stay positive, and create a culture that doesn’t support their bullying. Emotional intimidators don’t thrive in transparent environments. They can only breathe underground, where their motives can garner speed and power through the element of surprise.

Surface a bully every chance you get, by saying things like, “Mark, I’m noticing some side conversations. Do you have concerns about what I’m presenting?” Don’t let them gather power by taking away yours.

Bullies are scared. Treat them with care, but keep moving forward by doing the right thing. Eventually, they’ll be left in the dust of your success.